Date: February 19th, 2010

CHERYL STEPS OUT IN LA

On the day it was revealed that the blonde whore secretary Ashley Cole’s been sleeping with is Vicky Gough, a 30 year old who works for rival football team Liverpool FC, his ’fragile’ wife Cheryl was spotted in LA having dinner at Katsuya.

So ‘fragile’ indeed that she managed to slip into a cocktail dress and head out to the hottest celebrity restaurant in LA! Guess she was trying to avoid the paparazzi then…

As for the secretary, we are slightly surprised by Ashley’s taste in ‘women’  - on first sight we thought this was a drag queen, though we certainly wouldn’t put that past him.

Meanwhile newspapers are now reporting that Cheryl’s house has been ‘targetted by thieves’ while she’s been in LA. What a coincidence! The media campaign to generate sympathy and return Mrs Cole to ‘nation’s sweetheart’ status is starting to get ridiculous…

Date: February 15th, 2010

ASHLEY COLE IN NEW TEXT MESSAGE SCANDAL

Ashley Cole text messages

British tabloid the Sun printed exclusive pictures today of Chelsea football star Ashley Cole in his underwear – the result of some saucy texts he sent to yet another woman. This time the woman in question is described as a ‘blonde secretary,’ whose identity the paper has chosen to protect. Journalists at the Sun also have in their possession some x-rated pics he sent to the woman that were (unfortunately!) too risque to publish.

The text messages that accompanied the pics have revealed what a smooth talker Ashley is, with chat up lines such as ‘can I have 1 more of your t*ts please’ and ‘please delete all texts ill have no balls left’. True romance never dies!

Ashley Cole and Cheryl on their wedding day

Ashley is certainly a brave man messing around behind wife Cheryl Cole’s back like this – has he forgotten her violent past and conviction for assault? He may be missing more than his balls when she gets her hands on him! Just look what happened to poor toilet attendant Sophie Amogbokpa when she dared to cross her…

Sophie Amogbokpa assaulted by Cheryl Cole

The real question is though, does Cheryl REALLY mind about Ashley’s cheating? We smell a bit of a rat here…

When Ashley’s last affair was revealed back in 2008, Cheryl was but a mildly famous member of pop band Girls Aloud. The public sympathy she won on the back of his cheating launched her on the path to being one of the most famous faces in the UK, and even landed her a job as a judge alongside Simon Cowell on the X Factor. Following that she launched a successful solo career and scored one of the top 10 selling singles of 2009.

Suddenly her popularity has taken a nosedive, with new single Parachute failing to live up to the success of her previous solo releases and, in the same week, an anti-Cheryl Cole Facebook group gaining it’s 1 millionth member. Would it be cynical of us to ask if this whole affair business was part of a media stunt to get her career back on track?

Date: October 22nd, 2009

CHERYL TRIES (AND FAILS) TO OUTWIT THOSE PESKY PAPARAZZI

Cheryl & Ashley

It has been reported that Cheryl Cole sought planning permission to build an underground swimming pool and gym complex at her $6m home in Surrey to prevent her and footballer hubby Ashley being photographed in “intimate episodes” by paparazzi flying aircraft overhead. While we have to give Cheryl credit for remarkably high sales of her debut single (which has unbelievably sold 210,000 copies in just 4 days), we would like to remind her that they are “Cheryl and Ashley Cole” and not quite the Jolie-Pitts. While a picture of her in a bikini would probably be of moderate interest to the UK paparazzi, we doubt that they are about to start launching aircraft to get the shot!